


The Hitchhiker's Guide to Holistic Detectives

by DirkGentlyDG (Furygun81)



Category: Dirk Gently (TV), Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Genre: Gen, Guide Entry, One Shot, biography
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-26
Updated: 2014-01-26
Packaged: 2018-01-10 03:03:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1153991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Furygun81/pseuds/DirkGentlyDG
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy can tell you all you want to know about all you need to know, including the subject of holistic detectives.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hitchhiker's Guide to Holistic Detectives

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy has this to say on the subject of **holistic detectives** : avoid at all costs. Really, avoid them. Trust me, just avoid them.  
  
Holistic detection is a concept based upon the scientific principles of quantum mechanics: that all things are interconnected and that every particle in the Universe affects, no matter how faintly or obliquely, every other particle - also known as holism; and the profession of private detection: a person who is employed to solve mysteries referred to as ‘cases’ for money. A holistic detective uses the theories of quantum interconnection to solve their cases, therefore some aspects are taken from both parts of the job title. However, a holistic detective does not get PhDs in quantum mechanics, nor do they receive money for solving the cases.  
  
Throughout the whole of the known Galaxy (and it is probable, the unknown Galaxy as well), there is only one holistic detective: Dirk Gently. He is a mystery wrapped in an enigma swaddled in what may be either genius or babble. Even the greatest scientists aboard the Think Tank, whom have used the latest technology to examine the supposed ape-descendant’s brain from six thousand lightyears away could not understand the unusual electrical charges with which he thought.  
  
Dirk Gently studied quantum mechanics at St Cedd’s College in Cambridge. During his time studying, he formed the conclusion that the goal of life was, in the end, to have accumulated the largest amount of green pieces of paper with the Queen’s face printed on them than anybody else. Through this belief, he become a conman, trickster and fraudster. Most of the students at St Cedd’s despised him - and the ones who didn’t simply hadn’t met him. However, following a series of rather unfortunate happenings, Dirk was expelled from the college in 1994 (the full story can be located [here](1153984)). The events were so lamentable that even those who hadn’t met Dirk loathed him.  
  
Dirk fled for England’s capital city - London, and through methods unknown even to the Gods of Asgard, Dirk managed to rent an office at 33a Peckender Street and set up a holistic detective agency there. Unfortunately, his methods do not convince every one of his clients, and they often result in humiliating and offending the clients and those who were simply passing by on their way to the local chemist.  
  
His appearance somewhat resembles that of the other ape-descendants amongst whom he lives, but it differs in a number of ways. His teeth are one of his most prominent features, due to the amount of times he grins wider than the Chesire Cat. In fact, the Chesire Cat himself has expressed concern at being knocked off his throne by the holistic detective. His wild, curly hair is the most visible feature. In fact, when the greatest scientists aboard the Think Tank scanned his brain through the curly mane, they discovered that is in fact not hair - rather a small furry creature from the south side of the planet Pluto.  
  
In summary: be very wary of Dirk Gently. He may not look much: never getting paid and whatnot, but he solves every one of his cases and can catch you off guard easily.  
  
You have been warned.  
  
 **DISCLAIMER:** _This account is not operated by anyone affiliated with Douglas Adams, Stephen Mangan, the BBC or indeed anything official or anyone who has been affiliated with the aforementioned figures of interest. It is only operated by one male ape-descendant who lives within the United Kingdom on the planet Earth, and a small furry creature from the south side of the planet Pluto._  
  
OTHER ACCOUNTS:  
Being a HOLISTIC detective, Dirk Gently must maintain a presence on ALL sites. These include:  
Twitter - DirkGentlyDG  
Ask.FM - EmbraceChaos  
YouTube - EmbraceChaosDG  
Soundcloud - EmbraceChaosDG  
Tumblr - EmbraceChaosDG  
Archive Of Our Own - DirkGentlyDG

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, Dirk needed a cool biography and, in true Douglas Adams style, I believed it only fitting to have it take the form of a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy entry.


End file.
